JEFF PROBST: Previously, on Survivor 3.01: The Yukon: Mickey won the latest Immunity Challenge, and Neil, perhaps sensing that his time in the Yukon was running short, got some things off his chest. After going out of his way to alienate the rest of the Tribe, perhaps throwing himself on a grenade in order to save Georgia, Neil was the tenth Survivor voted out of the Yukon.
[Rowsdower Camp]
ROGER: Hey, Ah just picked up the Tree Mail. Says we’re supposed to meet Jeff in the clearing.
RUBY: That’s it? Just meet him in the clearing? No silly poem?
ROGER: Nope. That’s all it said.
TORGO: I don’t… LIKE… this. It could… BE… a trap.
EULABELLE: Maybe Neil wrote it. Maybe Neil’s out there, lurkin’ and creepin’ and crawlin’ and waitin’ to ambush us.
GEORGIA: No, Neil’s gone. We all saw him leave.
MICKEY: We just saw him walk off into the darkness. He’s out there. I heard him.
GEORGIA: Oh, this is ridiculous. Let’s just go.
[The Survivors approach the clearing with great trepidation. When they get there, they see…]
JEFF PROBST: Survivors, welcome! Everyone take a seat.
MICKEY: Neil?
JEFF PROBST: Ummm… no, it’s me, Jeff Probst.
ROGER: Can yew prove it?
JEFF PROBST: Prove it? What are you talking about? You guys have seen me every day for a month.
RUBY: Except for that time you went over to Running Dog.
JEFF PROBST: It was Yellowknife, and I can prove it’s me. Here’s my passport, see?
TORGO: Passports can be… FAKED.
JEFF PROBST: OK, how about this? It’s my personal Visa credit card.
[The Survivors all look closely at the card, and then start laughing.]
JEFF PROBST: All right, what’s so funny?
MICKEY: Visa Classic? You just have a Classic card? The blue one?
ROGER: Mah hound dog Jerry Lee has a platinum card his own self, Ah tell yew what!
RUBY: Oh, Jeff, we’re so sorry! What are they paying you for this gig, sweetie?
JEFF PROBST: Not enough, believe me.
TORGO: What do you… THINK, Georgia?
GEORGIA: Yes, it must be him. It would be too obvious a blunder, otherwise.
JEFF PROBST: Fine. Now that we have that out of the way, the reason we’ve brought you out here. We thought by now you’d be getting a little homesick, so for each of you, we brought a taped message from your loved ones. Georgia, you’re up first. [Jeff starts playing the first tape. Several exotic dancers appear, beautifully sleazy in sort of an early 1960’s way.]
MAY: Hi Georgia! We’re all here! Me, Gladys & Doreen, Ann, Kate, and Shirley!
JEFF PROBST: Who are we looking at here, Georgia?
GEORGIA: These are the girls I was marooned with on Spider Island. We’ve pretty much stayed in touch over the years.
SHIRLEY: Hey there, Georgia! Remember us?
GEORGIA: I saw her about a week before I left. Good old Shirley Hayseed; always dumb as a brick.
KATE: Yep, we got the whole gang together to cheer you on. Except Babs didn’t want to be in this.
GEORGIA: Babs is kind of a bitch.
GLADYS & DOREEN: We’re all really proud of you. You’ve already been in the Yukon longer than we were on that island, so we know you can make it all the way. Bye now!
JEFF PROBST: They seem like a nice bunch. OK, Roger’s up next. [Jeff plays the next tape. A thin young woman drives up in a jeep, which has worms crawling all over it.]
NAOMI: Hey Roger. How’s it goin’ up there in the Yukon?
JEFF PROBST: Who’s this, Roger?
ROGER: That’s mah wife, Naomi. Ah used to be sweet on her sister, Geri, but she got hooked up with this guy from NEW York.
NAOMI: Well, as yew kin see, the worm ranch is doin’ jest fahn! We had us another big ‘lectrical stohm, but this tahm we was ready fer them mothers! Yeehah!
MICKEY: Man, Roger, she’s an even bigger hick than you.
NAOMI: Hurry home, shug. But not too soon, if yew knows what Ah mean. Anyways, we’s gonna have us a big ol’ whoop-de-do when yew gets back. Even Mr. Beardsley maht be there. An’ then Ah got a spayshul welcome in mahnd for mah sweet ol’ worm-faced man. So ah’ll see you then. [Blows a kiss to the camera.]
[Roger blinks back a few tears as Jeff puts in the next tape.]
JEFF POBST: Eulabelle, this one’s yours.
DR. GAVIN: Hello, Eulabelle. We all miss you. The place is a mess, and we’ve been eating nothing but take-out and delivery since you left.
JEFF PROBST: Who’s this, Eulabelle?
EULABELLE: That’s my employer, Dr. Gavin; his daughter, Elaine; and her husband, Hank.
ELAINE [voice obviously dubbed]: Yes, we’re helpless without you. I’ve had to go to dozens of slumber parties just to get some decent food.
GEORGIA: Why is her voice dubbed?
EULABELLE: It isn’t. That’s really the way she talks.
HANK: We have to cut this short, Eulabelle. The town is being invaded by radioactive mutant zombies, and sodium doesn’t seem to have any effect on them! If only you were here, to accidentally discover a way to kill them!
EULABELLE: Oh, Lord, Lord! Radioactive zombies! It’s the devil’s work, I tell you! Looks like I got out of there at the right time.
JEFF PROBST: Oh, Eulabelle! OK, our next tape is for Mickey.
JENNY: Hello, Mickey, how are you?
MICKEY: It’s Marian! She’s come back! Marian!
JENNY: No, Mickey, it’s me, Jenny. Marian is gone. Remember?
JEFF PROBST: That’s uncanny.
JENNY: I know you miss Marian very much, Mickey, but face facts. She died several years ago.
MICKEY: No! No! She’s alive! She cries! I heard her! [Mickey starts sobbing.]
JENNY: Mickey, I’m your friend, aren’t I? I miss you. The roses badly need tending. The peacocks miss you, the caterpillars miss you, even the frogs in your pond miss you. And you’re getting a haircut when you get back!
JEFF PROBST: That’s amazing. It’s almost like she was right here with us.
MICKEY: Well, actually, we’ve had this conversation about two hundred times over the last few years. Always the same thing. Every time.
JEFF PROBST: OK, our next tape is for Ruby.
LOUISE: Hello, Ruby. It’s good to know you’re all right. As for Rick and me; we’re doing our best to re-populate the world. [Rick is slumped face down over the table.]
JEFF PROBST [Stops tape]: What does she mean by that, Ruby?
RUBY: Long story. That’s Louise and her husband, Rick. Me and my boyfriend Tony ran into them, and her crazy father, about twenty years ago while we were driving through an atomic test site. Well, they live in a secluded area in the middle of the fallout zone, right? So her crazy father, who's a retired Navy Captain or something, gets it into his head that all of civilization has been wiped out. He keeps us there for a couple of months, and then decides that Louise and me are to have children, to save the human race.
JEFF PROBST: To Survive, and create a new civilization? This whole scenario sounds a lot like the Game you’re playing right now.
RUBY: Not too much, I hope. Because Tony went nuts and stabbed me. Thinking I was dead, he threw me over a cliff. I got up, brushed myself off, and walked over to the highway. I got picked up right away, got a ride into Kansas City, and that’s the last I ever saw of them. Still, they’re the closest thing to family that I’ve got. The sad thing is, they obviously still believe that they’re the only surviving human beings.
JEFF PROBST: Compelling. All right, our last tape is for Torgo.
MASTER: Torgo. I need not tell you that I am greatly displeased that you have disobeyed my will, and have gone off to play some silly little game for monetary gain.
RUBY: Jeez, Torg. Who’s that?
TORGO: That, ladies… AND… gentlemen, is my… MASTER, of whom you’ve… HEARD me speak.
EULABELLE: Wow. I thought I had it bad.
MASTER: Ordinarily, I would not trouble myself with an insignificant little insect like you, Torgo. You mean less than nothing to me, of course. However, some of my wives seem to miss you. Especially the new one, Maggie.
TORGO: Uh-oh. THIS… isn’t… GOOD.
MASTER: Now, I keep asking myself, Torgo, why would any of my wives even notice the absence of a miserable little creature such as you? And I keep coming up with the same answer.
ROGER: Torgo, yew old hound, yew!
MASTER: You have betrayed me, Torgo! And I assure you that you shall pay for this betrayal! I swear by the hands of Manos, who is the great and all-powerful one, that I SHALL BE AVENGED!
MICKEY: That is one scary Master. Frightening.
TORGO: Yes, well… ALL… I can SAY… is that I better… WIN… that million… DOLLARS.
JEFF PROBST: Well, we were hoping these tapes would lift everyone’s spirits. Doesn’t look like we were entirely successful. At any rate, tomorrow brings another Immunity Challenge, and one more of you will be voted out of the Yukon. So we’ll see you next time, on Survivor!
Day 33
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